I am sure that by now as we have become acquainted you have noticed that I am of a somewhat sensitive nature and that I avoid disgusting like the plague but I feel obligated to warn you lest you fall into the same trap I found myself in this last week.

It all began innocently enough. I decided to clean the house. From that experience I have decided to share my thoughts in what could be called, “A GUIDE TO HOUSEKEEPING FOR GUYS.”

You ladies might not realize it but we guy’s clean house differently than you do. When you see something that looks out of place, you set it right. A speck of dust must be eliminated immediadely. No grime goes un-attacked.

We guys on the other hand, being of a more practical frame, do nothing that is absolutely unnecessary.

Take bed making for example. Never should bed linens be changed more often that once every three weeks. Here we guys should always use the old crinkle test. If the sheets sort of “crinkle” when you climb into the bed that is an indication that they probably need to be washed. (Cracker and cookie crumbs as well as potato chips and anchovies can be shaken or swept onto the floor. They alone are not an indication of a dirty bed so you can see the need of the “crinkle” test.

Concerning the cleaning of floors. A true “Guy” always resorts to the “Crunch” test. The crunch test is similar to the crinkle test in that one is resorting to one’s ears to determine necessity. How the crunch test works is this, if when walking across the floor your feet make sort of a crunching sound it is likely that the floor needs to be cleaned. There is no need to be alarmed at this point for the only portion of the floor that needs to be cleaned are the high “crunch” or, traffic areas.

A broom can be used at this point to sweep the potato chips, cracker and cookie crumbs and dried out anchovies from the ‘high crunch” or traffic areas. Simply sweep this crunch to one side of the high crunch or traffic area until it constitutes a health hazard by collapsing onto the unwary cat or dog, at which time it can be removed with a shovel and spread in the driveway.

ON WASHING DISHES

I invariably laugh as I watch a woman wash the dishes. We guys being of a more practical mindset always laugh when we watch the ladies do the dishes due to the fact we do know how to save time when driven to this menial task.

The following steps indicate how a woman washes the dishes. (1) She carefully rinses the dishes. (2) She carefully places them in the dishwasher. (3) She puts soap in the dishwasher. (4) She turns the dishwasher on. (5) Then, when the dishwasher is finished doing whatever it does, she carefully removes the dishes one at a time, (6) and dries it, (7) before carefully placing it into the cupboard.

Guys on the other hand eliminate steps 2-6. We rinse the dishes and throw them into the cupboard. Now isn’t that simple?

(I personally like to carry practicality a step further and use tin pie plates and tin cans for dishware but you can use your own discretion here.)

I hope these tips have been helpful. Next time I will share with you my horrible experience as I entered another dimension, cleaning the refrigerator from hell.

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