“Men are incapable of rational thought and it is a well known fact that due to what is known among medical experts as the ‘lard’ gene, an amorphous and somewhat mushy blob located in the center of the brain cavity and taking up approximately eighteen square inches of space in the average man’s cerebrum, men, right from birth have the thinking ability of a ball of horse spit.”

(Note: that comment along with the following hypothesis was formulated by a lady while in severe labor pains with her ninth child; therefore little credence should be given to the horse spit conclusion. This same lady also stated, between garbled and incoherent, derogatory and extremely technical phrases directed at her husband, that the giant, Florida, slime eating cockroach has considerably more reasoning ability than the average homo sapiens male.)

I, not being average, resent being compared in any way with a cockroach and I happen to know very well that there are some things that men do think about quite often. Fishing is one of them. Let us not forget fishing! Men think about fishing quite well, and men also think about ‘preparing’ to go fishing.

(In our defense I must interject at this point that when men are not fishing or thinking about fishing we are thinking about sex but understanding that this is a family blog I will save that for another time and another blog.)

Billy Joe Bob is my neighbor. Billy Joe Bob could be called an avid fisherman. Billy Joe Bob, at last count owned forty-three fishing rods, each with its accompanying and appropriate reel. (And let us not forget hunting. Deer hunting and turkey hunting also claim vast amounts of thinking calories and even vaster amounts of equipment. Shotguns and rifles, all terrain vehicles and archery equipment and the entire support equipage.)

But let’s return to fishing.

Billy Joe Bob is a fisherman’s fisherman, an aficionado of the fine art of angling. He knows all there is to know about fishing. I mean, ask him what the best bait is to use on a particular lake and he will go into great detail boring the living daylights out of you. but ask him what his wife’s name is and he will say, “you mean the old lady”,

Every time I think of Billy Joe Bob I have this deep sense of foreboding for I feel that not all is well in paradise.

One of these days Billy Joe Bob is going to be driving toward home happily thinking about his next fishing trip when way off in the distance he is going to see this immense column of dirty gray smoke, the color of smoke from a fire that is being fed with large amounts of plastic, graphite, rubber and fiberglass.

As he turns the corner onto his street he is somewhat alarmed when he notices a couple of fire engines parked in front of his house.

Alas, the fire is on his front lawn!

The firemen will have to restrain him forcefully for the fire is consuming a huge pile of fishing tackle and hunting equipment. Nine zillion lures, arm loads of fishing rods, baskets full of expensive reels, a small fortune in guns and archery equipment, all heaped on top of his brand new thirty thousand dollar bass boat and latest model A.T.V. and all being turned to ashes in front of his very sorry eyes.

That tall column of smoke in reality will be a funeral pyre upon which the remains of a marriage are being cremated, and Billy Joe Bob, because he is a male of the species known as human and incapable of rational thought and not having the good sense of a ball of horse spit, cannot imagine what he did wrong.

“Why shucks folks, the old lady must have gone crazy!”

Below is a very simple test that will enable any fisherman to know exactly where he stands marriage wise.

Ask yourself the following questions.

In order to give the average man a chance all questions have multiple choice answers.

Question # one, What is your wife’s name? (A) Hey you! (B) The old lady. (C) What’s t’ eat?

Question # two, What was the last gift that you purchased for your wife? (A) Two dozen night crawlers? (B) A dozen golf balls? (C) A dozen red roses? (D) A new bass boat? (E) A subscription to her favorite fishing magazine?

Question # three, When was the last time that you offered to take your wife for a romantic getaway without the kids? (A) Never. (B) Last year. (But just at the last minute you invited a couple of your fishing buddies along. Also at the last minute your wife got real sick and locked herself in the bedroom and wouldn’t even come out to say goodbye.

Scoring this test: For question # One, If you do not remember your wife’s name give yourself a score of minus 100. Also for question # one, If you refer to your wife by any of the above give yourself another minus 100. For question # two, If the last gift that you gave your wife was anything other than a dozen roses give yourself another minus 100. By this time you have probably scored so poorly it is unlikely that you will ever score again.

By this time you certainly realize that you are an insensitive cretin and unfit to have a relationship with a decent woman, so what the heck, let’s go fishing!

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