IT WAS AFTER ALL A GOVERNMENT MANUAL!

Posted by ctowne in June 3rd, 2008

HSSSSSSSS
By
Charles Towne

Of all government organizations the U.S. Peace Corps, by its very name denotes a benign, yes, even peaceful existence, after all it is called, “The Peace Corps.”

One can only imagine the pains the organizers have gone to in order to make the time served as safe as possible for the volunteers but then one does tend to wonder, after all, accidents do have a way of happening don’t they?

People get caught up in wars, catch horrible diseases, are swallowed by…? Well, we’ll leave that to your hungry imaginer.

In the U.S. Government Peace Corps manual for those volunteers serving in the Amazon jungles in the nineteen eighties there was this wonderful bit of advice for surviving an anaconda attack. Keep in mind that the anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a constrictor achieving gargantuan lengths of thirty five feet and weighing as much as four hundred pounds.

Listed below are the instructions as they were itemized in the manual:

(1) If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

(2) Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

(3) Tuck your chin in.

(4) The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

(5) Do not panic. (That’s easy for you to say!)

(6) After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and your ankles. (At this point I believe another, “do not panic” is in order.

(7) The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must be perfectly still. This will take a long time. (O.K., now is as good a time as any to panic.)

(8) When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible; reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snakes head. (Who’s panicking?)

(9) Be sure you have your knife.

(10) Be sure your knife is sharp.

That peace of misinformation must be taken at face value for it was, after all, a government manual.

I especially like the part where it says, “Do not panic.”

Disclaimer: At this point I would like to apologize. I would like to apologize for using the ‘S’ word but really now, you must understand that it is not possible to talk about snakes without mentioning snakes.

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cherylp Said in June 8th, 2008 @5:42 am

What, are they insane?!! The pounds per square inch pressure the snake’s jaws can exert would crush every bone in your feet and legs. If you could manage to withstand the pain long enough to cut off the snake’s head, how you going to walk out of the jungle for help? Talk about your uninformed!

Charles Towne Said in June 8th, 2008 @7:33 pm

Hey Cherylp, it is always good to hear from you.
When I read such tripe in a government manual, to my way of thinking everything they print becomes suspect.
Cherylp, the large constrictors, all constrictors invariably kill their prey before swallowing it. This is to prevent injury which could maim, even kill the snake.
In the anaconda’s case it would grab you with its jaws, throw several loops of its body around you and as long as it deteced any movement it would constrict, not to crush, but to suffocate. Then, sure that you are dead meat, it would locate your head and began to engulf you, swallow you, head first.
The jaws, with innumerable curved and very sharp teeth, are designed more for seizing and holding than crushing.
Trying to swallow a human feet first is quite ludicrous considering that as it reached the cadaver’s crotch or the arms, something, be it a leg or an arm would be sticking out at right angles creating an obstruction.
From long experiece snakes have been hardwired to swallow dead prey and invariably head first. You have a good day now ya hear,
Chaz

Charles Towne Said in June 8th, 2008 @7:37 pm

Please pardon the typos in the above comment. And here all of you folks thought that I was perfect.
Charles

cherylp Said in June 9th, 2008 @1:46 am

You’re absolutely right. Since the whole thing was ridiculous, I tackled that load of tripe using its own groundrules.

Even using its own groundrules, that manual gets an F. If we apply the truth to it, as you just did, every step they noted after “If you are attacked by an anaconda” becomes moot, since you’ll be dead anyway.

I once saw a documentary about anacondas where they showed pictures of man who had been attacked in the jungle and crushed, just the way you described, and the anaconda tried to swallow him head-first, just as you mentioned. The snake could not get its mouth past the man’s shoulders. Even its famed unhinging jaw couldn’t quite manage that feat. Of course, the man was quite dead. He might even have panicked before his death, but we’ll never know. (Eww, gallows humor. Sorry.)

Charles Towne Said in June 9th, 2008 @2:00 am

Cherylp, DO NOT PANIC! Just run like the blazes!!!
I look forward to the trip when I can go to Venezuella into big snake country and videotape them in their own habitat. You take care now ya hear, Chaz
P.S. In a case like that a little gallows humor is appropriate.

cherylp Said in June 10th, 2008 @4:49 am

Oh, and btw? The snake died, too. It couldn’t swallow the man and couldn’t spit him out, either.

Too bad neither snake nor man can learn a salutory lesson–I guess that’s left for the living.